Sunday, March 5, 2017

Ask The Bones

For a long time I wanted a crystal ball. When I started to research buying one I found that good quality, i.e. one that is large and really works, was going to cost a lot of money. Even on EBay. Of the many things I have, money is not one of them. I thought about Tarot Cards and even a Ouija Board, but they don’t connect me to the spirit world in a meaningful way. I needed a more effective way to contact the other side for assistance on occasion.

I finally got a chance to consult our local Oracle, who has third eye capabilities, about my dilemma.  She knew of my Viking background (I had never told her anything, she just knew!) and asked me if I understood the Runes. With great embarrassment I said that I did not. She explained to me that I am a man in touch with the earthly in a very good way and suggested that I look for something in the forest or on the ground that would put me in touch with the other realm.

A few weeks later, while out walking in my pastures to inspect the fences, I saw something on top of a knoll where the horses often grazed or slept in the sun. It was something kind of white and I got down looking closer at the small object. It was a bone. As I took a better look I found many small bones or bone remnants. I picked up a pocketful and went back to the barn where I laid them out on top of a box. They were fairly clean and distinct, but I didn’t know what type of animal they could have come from. They had been found hundreds of yards from any building or any old building site that I knew about in the neighborhood.  There isn’t much to know as the neighborhood has only been settled by white people for less than one hundred and fifty years and there is no evidence of permanent structures much before 1900.

I kept these bones in a coffee mug and forgot about them for the most part. Once in a while, however, I would need to know the answer to a question. Remembering the advice of the Oracle I was told that I would have much better luck asking questions and seeking answers for others rather than myself. This was especially useful in finding lost objects. A few times a year I would try to do this. I would gently shake the bones and pour them out gently on a flat surface.

Flash forward about fifteen years. 

I kept the bones at work in order to answer customer’s questions. “When will my left-handed smoke shifter arrive?” I know about how long it takes, but when things travel by common carrier to an area that isn’t well-serviced it is a guess as to exactly when. I usually tell them, “I’ll ask the bones,” and they realize that there is no way within reason to find out and it is not usually necessary to know the exact date and time of arrival. 

A few weeks ago my friend Jim, along with his seven year old grandson, came in to the store with the intent of buying a few boards for a small project. We usually check with each other to see how things are going in our lives as well as taking care of the task at hand. It seems the grandson had lost a jacket the previous day and they had been out on Artist’s Point and a few other places looking for it. Apparently, it was a favorite piece of clothing so I told Jim and his grandson that I would ask the bones. I went into my office, got the bone cup and shook it gently. I carefully threw the contents to a spot on the floor and took a look at the pattern. The grandson was intrigued. I asked him, “Were you playing near a shed at your grandparent’s home yesterday?” He nodded yes and I said, “Hmmm… Is there and old well near there?” He nodded yes again and said, “Uh-huh.”  I said, “The bones are telling me that is where you left your jacket.” His eyes got big and he looked hopefully at his grandfather who then looked at me and said, “Susan (his wife) called, didn’t she?” I replied, “About fifteen minutes before you arrived and told me the story and where she found the jacket.” He chuckled, but the grandson was still looking at us in awe and amazement. He was still excited as they left to get their lumber and go home to retrieve the jacket. 

Isn’t it amazing how an old bearded guy with a cup of bones and working in a lumber yard can be a convincing wizard to a seven year old boy?    


  1. cool! bet that young man had a great time telling others about the bones!

    PS - I COULD make a joke here about bones and wood, but that would be too obvious! ;-b

  2. Jono--You should have only filled the grandfather in on how it really happened. Think of the pedestal you'd be put on, if the kid thought you really had that much power.

    Wonderful story.

  3. I loved this story! I wish you would ask the bones where and when I'll find my next job. I've been looking forever and not having any luck. Lol. 😊

  4. This made me laugh pretty hard - particularly the part where you responded to the inquiry about arrival dates.

    A few years back, I researched different methods of scrying like crystal balls and ouija boards. It's all very interesting, but unfortunately, my skepticism and laziness combined to make further research impossible.

  5. Jono, you bewitching scapulimancer!

  6. That's cute - it's nice to have at least one person in the world who thinks you're a wizard! So far the best response I've heard to a nagging customer was "It'll be in on the second Tuesday of next week, guaranteed!" Kinda shuts down the conversation.

  7. Everyone needs a wizard. And everyone should be one too - to someone. For someone.

  8. All you need to do now is learn a few spooky chants and you'll be ready to fill the witch doctor vacancy in my neighbourhood.

  9. Ms. Moon, Thanks!

    anne marie, I am surprised you didn't make a joke! :)

    Sioux, I honestly don't think the kid even heard us judging by his continuing reaction.

    Jennifer, I'll see what I can do. I'll let you know what I find out.

    Harry, I swear these questions come on a regular basis. I have to try and be nice no matter how stupid the questions are. I give a lot more quarter to those who ask, "This may be a stupid question, but..." I spend a LOT more time helping them.

    Ahab, I had an idea, but I still had to look it up to be sure.

    Diane, I hope you don't mind if I borrow that answer.

    Elephant's Child, Or an Oracle. Everyone needs one once in a while.

    Gorilla B, I'm pretty fair at mimicking sounds foreign words. How do I apply?

  10. Of the many things I have, money is not one of them. Let me solve this issue for you:

    Take your cup of bones into an ethnic part of town, set up shop in an old house, hang out a sign that says something like "medium" ("rare" or "well-done" don't work as well) and charge $75 for a 20-minute reading.

    You're welcome.

  11. From my archaeology experience, I know that bones tell a story. Usually about somebody's dinner.

    (I love your stories, keep them coming!)

  12. Pixel Peeper, Brilliant! Retirement, here I come!

    Onevikinggirl, From my ornithological experience I can often tell what kind of rodent an owl is eating by the regurgitated pellet. The dental configuration is unique to species. There is always a story in the bones. :)

  13. The bones sound like a wayback Magic 8 Ball :)

    That little guy is going to remember you forever, you know that, don't you?

  14. Great story. I'd be looking at you in awe and amazement too.

  15. Awwww! I wish you had let the grandson continue to believe in your wizard skill of reading the bone oracles. There isn't enough magic in this world!

    I had a girlfriend 30 years ago who was an expert rune reader. I recently bought a lovely set of wooden runes from a Germanic witch on Etsy. Now I just need a book or something.

  16. jenny_o, I hope he does. It is good to keep magic alive in a child's mind.

    Tom Sightings, When I look at myself I am either dumbfounded or I start laughing uncontrollably.

    Debra, I don't think he heard the truth as he was still awestruck and happy to know where his jacket was. Learning the Runes is one of those things I have always wanted to do. Need to make it more of a priority.

  17. Bravo! What a hilariously whimsical story. I loved every bit of this.

    ...Or did I? Maybe best to consult the bones.

    (Note: as a coffee fiend, I could never leave bones in a coffee cup, because I'd end up pouring coffee over it and drinking them, which cannot be good for karma)

  18. Great work. You're a convincing wizard to this 50 year old woman too. ;~)

  19. What a wonderful story. I am sure the young lad never heard you and will believe in magic which is a good thing. Now if we hear of you winning the lottery with those bones, I think more of us will believe.

    A friend of mine read my fortune in Tarot Cards about 20 years ago. Scared the shit out of me, they were so accurate. Never had the nerve to go back for a reread.

  20. What's a smoke shifter, left handed or otherwise?

    You could find a lot of spirits in a whisky bottle :D

  21. I thought casting bones was done by the crone of death?
    the Ol'Buzzard

  22. when my 2 sons were little we lived in this apt and the wiring was wonky on one of the light switches and I had figured out if I hit the wall just right the light would come on or go off..I had my 2 sons convinced I had magical powers and controlled light..

  23. ABFTS, Drinking coffee with the bones in the cup could be very unpredictable. Karma could go either way. Good to check your cup before you pour.

    Robyn, I'll see what I can do for your love life. I'll try and filter out the strange men that are drawn to you, but I hope that doesn't cut into your writing material too deeply.

    Blog Fodder, If I win the lottery I'll share some with everyone who comments here. A good Fortune Teller can be a very scary person.

    Bill the Butcher, The smoke shifter was an item most new members of our scout troop had to go find (We were about 11 or 12 years old at the time). No one ever did. Whisky bottle spirits have been known to haunt a person.

    Ol'Buzzard, I have looked the crone in the eye and laughed. I have had to buy my pants larger ever since in order to keep my tail tucked in.

    JACKIESUE, I've always been convinced you had magical powers. For example, how did you KNOW to hit the wall just right? See what I mean?

  24. If your bones would tell my present to include summer weather and peacocks and my future to include long plane rides, say on Thursday and then next week, and then some magical white stuff to fall on my head, they would be so right! I just knew it!

  25. onevikinggirl, They can only tell what will happen, not change it. So far, at least. We could use some magical white stuff here,too. Let me know how it turns out.

  26. I might need you to consult the bones for me one day.

  27. Once I was at the site of an ancient monastery in UK, and I found a bone. I kept that bone for a while, calling it my Lucky Monk's Bone, but things kept going wrong in my life, so I threw it away, and life turned around for the better! True story. Which is more than I can say for yours!!!!!

  28. Jenny B., All you have to do is ask.

    Shammickite, I think that's what happens when you name them. They don't like to be pigeon-holed. I'm glad things turned around for you.