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Sunday, October 11, 2015

The Approaching Disaster

As our culture, such as it is, continues to deteriorate into hate-filled, headline grabbing, rants by people who mostly make shit up I bring you some truly awful news. No, this isn't about a call for more guns by ammosexuals across the country. It's about coffee. Yes, the stuff without which this country would not be able to get started in the morning. The same stuff that enables meetings, negotiations, and breakfast to continue on to their logical conclusions. The problem is a continuation of the ongoing issue of SHRINKAGE!

Remember the five pound can of coffee? Some of you may not be old enough to do that, so I ask you to remember the three pound can. In an effort to slowly deprive us of our "morning heroin" the manufacturers have done it once again. They used to just put a little less in the same can and hope you wouldn't notice the weight change and for the most part this has been successful. They don't realize that some of us have very keen observational abilities. Having been raised by wolves, as my stepmother claimed, I can smell a rat a mile away and my skepticism has kept me safe from harm. Except when it hasn't. See if you notice something different in this picture:

The one on the right was the last can I bought before last week when I bought the one on the left. See the difference? Those of you with a sharp eye may have noticed the can on the left is a bit shorter. The price, however, DID NOT CHANGE! That is effectively a 13% increase in price! Did I get a 13% raise at work to make up for this? Of course not! At some point coffee will be so expensive I will not be able to have any before work and, along with the entire U.S. workforce,  be unable to go to work sending this economy into a tailspin!

I have sent letters to Congress warning of the impending economic collapse, but I am not sure many of the Honorable Members can read as I haven't heard back yet. I sent them detailed photos with a well thought out assessment of the situation so they have had fair warning.


A 3.6 ounce (102 grams) decrease in weight means 30 less cups of final product. Although, I really don't believe for a minute that they can get much more than lightly colored water at that grounds/water ratio.

How long can this go on? I can already hear the early morning screams of my neighbors who are being slowly deprived of their morning java. Unless those are screams of passion, as it may be hard for me to tell the difference, I'm sure at least some of those screams are due to being deprived of caffeine.

Please don't get all judgmental (or any other kind of mental) about my morning choice. I am not wealthy enough to afford the likes of Starbuck's or any custom roasted beans to make my own morning brew. I have to economize and now with huge jumps in cost I may be forced into doing what the dirt poor Icelanders did in the old days by making dilutions with chicory, random grains, carrots, or potato peels. Acorns could be used also, but until the climate changes a little more oak trees don't do well this far north. I am not wealthy enough to horde things for the End Times, but for those of you who are I say this. Forget it! There is nothing you can do against millions of desperate people who want to get YOUR STUFF, so don't bait them with expensive rarities such as coffee and cat food (I'll warn you about cat food shortages at another time).

Heed my warning! I have spent a lot of time thinking about this stuff and researching all the relevant articles google has to offer so I know what I am talking about! Also, I am old so it doesn't matter much to me as I've lived a full life, but you younger folks need to be aware of this horrendous situation and do what ever you have to to ensure the survival of the species. It is up to you!


 

25 comments:

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I drink instant coffee in the morning so I'm in no position to be a Judgy McJudge about your ground coffee. Also, "ammosexuals" LOL! I've never heard that term before.

Ahab said...

:: shields ceiling-high coffee stash with body ::

IT'S MINE! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT! MINE! OBAMA WANTS TO TAKE MY COFFEE AWAY! IT'S A PLOT!

Should Fish More said...

Good god, man! Are you trying to start a panic?? Please keep information like this under your hat. And you'll never, never ever, find my stash.

anne marie in philly said...

I will buy cawfee (philly pronunciation) today. I need my morning cuppa "happy juice". of course, I am still a bitch later on...

sugar is the same way - pay the 5# price for 4#.

thank the dogs and cats I get most of my groceries at aldi, where the prices are FABULOUS!

A Beer For The Shower said...

I actually did notice this recently, with that exact brand. I go grocery shopping for my parents, and my dad only drinks Folgers French Roast, or as I like to call it, "Fol-JEHR"*.

*said in a French accent for best comic effect

I'll admit, I'm a coffee snob. I don't drink stuff like Folgers. But that's even worse for me, because craft coffee bags are even tinier. You pay $10 and get this dinky little bag that might last a week.

Is it too much to ask for a trough of coffee? Yeah, that's right. A trough.

JACKIESUE said...

well, what can I tell you? I do the same things and I drink tea..I'm telling you guys..you don't know what your missing..and ammosexuals is the best word I have ever heard.

thethoughtsandlifeofme.com said...

Oh my, taking away so much of your coffee is not something you should let stand!

chlost said...

Oh, I am also a coffee snob. I would give up many other things in order to maintain my coffee addiction. Not sure what I would do if Caribou or my local indie coffee (and books) place became out of reach for me. It would not be pretty. And copyright that ammosexual term. It is wonderful and is sure to catch on quickly. That could bring in enough cash for more coffee.

Sioux said...

Shrinkage! As a Seinfeld fan, I thought you were talking about something else. ;)

Elephant's Child said...

Another tea drinker here.
Sadly they DO get away with these sneaky shrinkages/price rises. On many, many products.
Hiss and spit.

Shammickite said...

For Debra who wrote the first comment regarding instant coffee.... I like instant in the morning too (yes I am a philistine) and I note that Nescafe Rich * Riche (yes in Canada we have 2 languages) 200g jar has diminished to a 170g jar, same curvaceous shape, just about 1 cm shorter, and of course, THE SAME PRICE!!!!!

Jono said...

Debra, So compared to you I am the snob? Whodda thunk? I wish I had thought up ammosexuals, but it wasn't me.

Ahab, That un-American Muslim Kenyan socialist wants to take away your coffee and give it to illegal immigrants. I thought you knew that.

Should Fish More, Yes, I am trying to start a panic. That's the only way the people will rise up and take back the coffee that is rightfully theirs. I won't tell them about your stash. I promise.

anne marie in philly, I used to pronounce it like that, too, but when I came to the Midwest I had to assimilate. I didn't want them to know I was "different".

abfts, Ah yes, you bourgeois writer cartoonist coffee drinking snobs don't help the cause spending small fortunes on something that should be free. Like air, education and medical care. Your just playing into the hands of the military industrial coffee complex. But you know that.

JACKIESUE, Sure, bring up tea. I could honor the spirit of me British mum and convert, but I am afraid the teabaggers might think I agree with any utterance that comes out of them because we have a word in common. Can't risk it. I liked ammosexual as soon as I saw it, too. Use it carefully.

thethoughtsandlifeofme.com, This may trigger the next uprising of the working class.

chlost, I can forgive your choice in coffee if books are involved. I can't in good conscience copyright a word that should be used much more as that would be selling out. No! I am here for the people! How much do you think I could get?

Sioux, As the weather turns colder I will be very aware of shrinkage. Maybe it wants to go into hibernation. It has a mind of its own, you know.

Elephants Child, I can understand tea. Especially in a former penal colony. The Brits were not totally cruel after all. I fear shrinkage is everywhere. Or maybe I am getting larger and everything else is staying the same.

Shammickite, OMG! It really is a worldwide conspiracy! I understand you can only have Nescafe in Canada as caffeine freezes at 40 below. There are probably only a few weeks where it thaws enough for Tim Horton to get its annual supply in. You have my sincere pity.

Pixel Peeper said...

OMG...I'm not sure what's funnier, your post or the comments. Not that there is anything funny about shrinkage!

As far as my coffee stash is concerned? From my cold dead hands...

jenny_o said...

I can't and don't drink tea or coffee, but I feel your pain, as my hot drink of choice - evaporated milk - is also experiencing price creep. They've not yet made the can smaller, but it's just a matter of time. I'll join your uprising as long as we can fit "AND non-caffeinated hot beverages" on the placards.

Diane Henders said...

I'm a heathen: no coffee for me. I absolutely love the aroma but I rarely drink it unless I'm prepared to vibrate a few inches off the ground for the next couple of hours. Still, I've been around enough coffee drinkers to know that you JUST DON'T get in the way of the fix. Them barstids oughta know that. Alert the media and gather the pitchforks!

Donna Banta said...

Further proof that the blood moon was a true harbinger of the end. I've also noticed an alarming increase in coffee brewing establishments that charge for refills! This can't be good...

Ol'Buzzard said...

Food use to come in sixteen ounce cans and containers: now they are down to fourteen and twelve, and still shrinking. As you said, the cost is the same.

I have also noticed that the coffee is weaker in most restaurants - another way of jacking up the price where no one notices.
the Ol'Buzzard

Agi Tater said...

This calls for a coffee rebellion!!

Linda said...

I have been disgusted with the price hikes on just about everything, and I think it is worse here in Montreal, Canada than the U.S., but then again, I am not 100% sure of this. Most things are more expensive in Canada than the U.S. I personally prefer tea, but I do occasionally enjoy a nice cup of coffee, and tea, coffee, milk, bread, cheese, meat and just about everything else have skyrocketed, making it very difficult for people with low incomes to live! Not only are all the prices of everything going up at such a rapid pace, but the salaries, pensions, etc. don't rise with the prices to cover the costs.

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Clearly, the terrorists have won. Awful, awful news, Jono, and thanks for the heads up, as I hadn't noticed.

Side note: since you're clearly not a coffee snob ;) I highly recommend the Walmart generic "Great Value" coffee - especially the colombian. It is truly good stuff. If you can stand going to Walmart, give it a try sometime.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Do you remember MJB, Jono? Perhaps they still sell it. My mom drank MJB every morn. I kind of liked the smell. The commercial was a stupid jingle "MJB tastes good when it should." As if there are times it should taste good, and times it should not. Onto your crisis. I'm sorry. I do have a solution, which, naturally, involved chocolate. Supplement the coffee with chocolate. It's a truly rich combination: cocoa beans plus coffee beans, Mmm mmm good.

Bill the Butcher said...

I just ran out of coffee. What the hell? Have you been stealing my coffee?

vanilla said...

Makes me so mad to see these shrunken portions with no corresponding shrinkage in price. How dumb do they think we are, anyway? Dumb enough, I guess. Except for you and me, of course.

Jennifer said...

Your blog is my new favorite read! Hilarious! (I'm totally using ammosexual from now on!)

squatlo said...

For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure those twelve ounce bottles of Yuengling I drink aren't holding as many ounces as they used to. And a twelve pack of bottles doesn't last as long as it once did, so I'm going to assume they're shorting me a few here and there, too.

It's one of those mysteries, like how my wife is managing to shrink all of my clothes, even my leather belts.

Damn strange. She says the beer and shrinkage are related, but I still contend it's some sort of conspiracy.